Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
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She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
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I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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