now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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