Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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