sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
