I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
