It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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