My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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