Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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