I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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