That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
