How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
