Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
