My Higher Power is John Stamos
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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