There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
