Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
