on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
