Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
