Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
