Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
