i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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