We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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