So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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