Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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