I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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