i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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