He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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