I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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