Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
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We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
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He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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