some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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