Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
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I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
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The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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