That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
