i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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