Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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