I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
