She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
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I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
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So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize