he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
