The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
