Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
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I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
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It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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