I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
