Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
