It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
