He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
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just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
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I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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