fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
