I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
