Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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