What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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