I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
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