it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
