you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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