Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
