When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
